Ask an Apocalypse Specialist
By Dear Dr. Farley,
With the impending financial collapse, my wife and I have decided to use our backyard to grow essentials. I think we should grow life-sustaining vegetables, but she thinks we should grow weed to trade with other survivors. What do you think?
Debating in Des Moines A little from column A, a little from column B.
Dear Debating in Des Moines,
Dear Dr. Farley,
I live in an area where most houses have 1/4 acre lots. How many of my nieghbors will I have to murder at night, chase away or burn out to acquire enough land to feed my family of four?
Concerned Parent This is a remarkably complicated question, depending on growing conditions in your area, available crops, sources of fertilizer, and sources of energy and labor. If the Time of Troubles reduces us to the level of production enjoyed in medieval Europe, you would be required to cultivate roughly 7 acres in order to feed a family of four. If the Time of Troubles extends for more than a couple of years (ask Secretary Paulson), then you may need to allow some land to lie fallow, thus requiring a bit more total acreage. Of course, the availability of New World crops (such as potatoes) should reduce that requirement a bit, and if you can manage to acquire fertilizers or farm equipment, the required plot would decrease substantially. In general, I should think that “more is better”, and thus that murdering and burning out your neighbors will tend to yield dividends.
On the other hand, make sure to take note that whatever you hold must be defended; hordes of starving urbanites are likely to assault your new holdings until they become weak from lack of nutrition. So stay vigilant, and try to pick a defensible location.
Dear Concerned Parent,
Dear Dr. Farley,
Under traditional principles of outlaw biker jurisprudence, will rival gangs of scavengers be required to give full faith and credit to my gay marriage?
Neurasthenic in New Mexico
Dear Neurasthenic in New Mexico,
I get this question a lot. As the capacity of “states” to maintain order disappears, the burden of lawmaking and enforcement will, as you note, fall to roving gangs of bikers. In his capacity as Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, the Lord Humungus is empowered to make rulings on such issues as gay marriage, and will wield a great deal of moral influence over contending gangs of scavengers:
The bulk of available evidence indicates that the Lord Humungus’ own gang recognizes same sex relationships and provides benefits; as such, it is quite likely that your gay marriage will enjoy the force of law as long as you remain under the aegis of the Warrior of the Wastelands. As New Mexico lies comfortably within the Wastelands, I think you’re good.
Dr. Farley, accredited* Apocalypse Specialist, has a twice-weekly column at lefarkins.blogspot.com.