Ce n’est pas mon chat

This is not my cat. This is one of my in-laws’ cats of which there are many because my in-laws are smart people who appreciate the good things in life.

I’m not 100% certain of her name. Between the official names on their vet records, names given by grandchildren at various ages, nicknames, me being crap at remembering names and this cat being one of four in a single household … I think her name is … something floral?

But who cares what humans call her? I’m sure that like all cats she has her own self-designation. “Death Paw.” “Ripper.” “Opener of Veins.” Something cute like that. And the reason I’m writing about her is that while I try not to have favorites beyond my own cat, I believe she represents the platonic ideal of a cat, from a cat’s point of view.

The second thing you’d notice if you met – let’s call her Throat Fang – is her coat. I’m sorry this picture doesn’t capture the pale taupe shading to mauve highlights of her fur, but her coat is very pretty. And just look at those eyes! But the first thing you’d notice is the way Throat Fang marches into a room, head and tail erect, clearly looking for an ass to kick. Fortunately for Throat Fang she lives with three other cats so there’s always someone to harass. Often you know she’s come into a room before you see her because one of her sisters will hiss and run away.

To be clear, all of the cats are wonderful cats, but Throat Fang contains about 12 cats worth of personality and she is the boss of everyone.

The third thing you would discover is she is not shy about demanding attention from humans because she knows we exist to make her happy. When I’ve stayed at her house Throat Fang is the cat that will jump on the bed, roll around on my head and chest, nudge my hand with her face, purr and otherwise be aggressively irresistible.

At any rate, her friendly (towards humans) nature would quickly take you to the fourth thing. Her fur. It is so soft and thick that it doesn’t feel real. I’ve never petted an animal that is so soft. You pet her once and have to pet her again to confirm, yes, her fur really is this soft. This is a cat that seems designed for petting while she sits on your lap and purrs.

Of course that is wrong.

During petting comes the fifth discovery. For the unwary, petting Throat Fang is like the old Tootsie Pop commercial, only instead of a kind of gross “chocolate” center, you get mauled. “Ah-won. Ah-twhooo. Arrrrrrgh!!!” When Throat Fang wearies of your attentions she will try to lay your hand open. If she can’t get your hand, she’ll go for any exposed skin. Have you ever had a cat lunge at you eyes and jaws agape, claws extended? It’s exciting. She nearly got my face when she was a kitten.

Look, I know. Cats usually have a “tell” when they’re getting ready to filet-o-face you. Or there are places or ways they don’t like to be petted. I’ve known Throat Fang for years and haven’t been able to figure her out. Except petting her gingerly or nervously sets her off sooner. One of the grandkids wisely puts on oven mitts and Throat Fang hates that.

I’m pretty sure Throat Fang could take out a healthy adult and might if she gets the chance. Needless to say I think she’s almost the best. Right after my cat. But don’t tell her that.

The picture shows Throat Fang rolling around on the bed with a pair of shorts. My shorts. That I wanted to wear over my swimsuit.

I wore another pair of shorts.