How to Become President

Friends, I know we’re all disappointed by the results of Tuesday’s election, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve crunched the numbers and studied the data and I think I’ve come up with a template that will lead our Democratic candidate to victory next time.

• Be a rapist and/or sex pest. This seems counterintuitive, but in today’s media/manosphere world, it shows you are a go-getter, and people respect go-getters.
• Be a criminal. See above, but you really don’t want to limit yourself here. Think about broadening your criminal portfolio with fraud, stealing classified materials, paying off porn stars, and…that leads us to…
• Insurrection. DO AN INSURRECTION! Not only is bashing in cops’ heads good cardio, you can keep your base frothing at the mouth for four years, while the rest of America forgets you did it. It’s AMAZING. Try it!
• Botch a pandemic. Americans won’t care about a million people dying; they’ll just be thankful for the cheap gas.

While you’re campaigning, please remember to:

• Get arrested four times, for everything to election interference to business fraud. But don’t stop there. While you’re in court, be sure to both sleep and fart. Farting on New Yorkers is a good way to show you’re after everyone’s vote–especially the real Americans in the Heartland.
• At your rallies, be sure to talk about the policies Americans really care about: Transing kids on lunch breaks, Hannibal Lecter and what he’d like for dinner, Sharks vs. batteries: which one is your Final Boss, and–finally–the size of Arnold Palmer’s hog. Americans desperately want to know if our golf legends are packing.
• Lose debates HANDILY. Be sure to go completely manic while screaming that Haitians are eating pets.
• Stack your rallies with A-List stars like Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan and some OnlyFans chick.
• If you get bored or stressed at a town hall, simply stand on stage swaying to music for 40 minutes. Another option is do this super weird dance where you don’t pick up your feet and move your arms like you’re jerking off an Ent.
• Insult black journalists at conference for black journalists. Question the racial makeup of your political opponent.
• And, finally…and I cannot stress this enough: do not be a woman. That’s clown behavior that Americans do not respect.

I think that if they follow these guidelines, Democrats are sure to win the White House in 2040, when they’ll likely face a formidable Zombie God-Emperor Trump/Grandpa Groyper ticket. Good luck and goddess bless!