Ranking Apples
By 
I am not really a big apple guy, though I like almost every apple product. But just eating an apple? It’s almost always disappointing to me. So I don’t do it much. I probably should. But since a commenter linked to this amazing apple ranking site today, I thought this is a topic very much worth mentioning since it is surprisingly hilarious. A couple of examples:
The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?
Or how about some good mid-19th century references?
Wrap a damp tee ball in an old t-shirt and you will begin to experience the masochistic horror that is the Stayman Winesap Apple. Each jaw-breaking bite is taken on the chin like a punch from Apollo Creed, and then followed by an interesting wine-like flavor that is most likely comprised of 40% tooth blood. The semi-tart wallop bellowing forth from this tank-fruit is absorbed by a hardened cloth-like skin that drapes down your neck like a swallowed roll of used medical gauze. Discovered in Leavenworth County, Kansas in 1866 by Dr. Joseph Stayman as a seedling of the Winesap Apple, for some reason the apple world (helmed by the Stark Bros.) quickly deemed this new cultivar as worthy of national attention. It must be assumed that anything outside of the murder fields of Gettysburg was welcome in this troublesome post Civil War era.
Or how about the worst apple of all?
This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.
The whole thing is good like this. And it’s a good excuse to discuss fruit and the like. My fantasy basketball league chat room has been finding things to argue about ever since the season ended and we ended up on fruit recently and boy do some of my friends have bad taste in fruit, as they do in many other things, including who they choose to be friends with. You can really argue about this stuff!
Not to mention a rare opportunity to use Dürer as a picture!