Trump’s VP pick
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Lots of media leaks at the moment about the purported finalists in the Donald Trump vice presidential sweepstakes.
The four names that keep popping up most consistently are JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Doug Burgum, and Tim Scott. Ben Carson, Elise Stefanik, and Byron Donalds are also getting some mentions.
JD Vance: Too obviously ambitious, Would probably poison Trump if he actually became his VP.
Marco Rubio: Too pathetic and needy. Also off white.
Doug Burgum: What possible reason could there be to choose him? It’s like having two Dakotas instead of one.
Tim Scott: What are the odds that there are a few, um, people in his past, who may burst onto the scene in an inconvenient way? Way too high.
Elise Stefanik: Not hot enough.
Ben Carson: Gaffe machine; also do not operate heavy machinery in range of his voice.
Byron Donalds: No lie: I have literally no idea who this is. This is like being a Star Wars character that the biggest Star Wars geek you know can’t identify.
I’ve got a feeling, a feeling deep inside (oh yeah) that it isn’t going to be anyone from this particular collection of losers/cheaters/six time users, because Trump loves to do these little strip teases for media attention, and then make a big splash by doing a surprise reveal, just like on reality TV. So it’s going to be someone much more ridiculous and frightening than any of these schmucks because of course it is.
Back of the envelope says Trump’s VP pick has a 10% chance of ascending to the presidency during Trump’s next term. This is based on the following rather complicated equation: There’s there’s a 50% chance Trump gets elected, and a 20% chance he then dies in office.
So you can see why these people are abasing themselves so thoroughly, but again I suspect it’s all for naught.
Maybe Ivanka?
ETA: I have since learned from the sages of LGM that Donalds is a black guy who said a couple of days ago that black people were better off under Jim Crow, and who then denied doing so despite his statements being on film. So I would make him the heavy favorite out of this group anyway.