An epochal day in American history
By 
I hope nobody will forget where they were when the arc of history finally bent toward justice an America’s most oppressed minority group could finally get a fair shake:
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student of Caucasian descent,” said Harvard president Lawrence Bacow, who hailed the Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard case for allowing them to offer admission to a student who met their rigorous academic standards, but just happened to be from a Caucasoid background. “For generations, students of every racial identity have pursued their passions in these halls of learning—all racial identities except for white. Thankfully, today, that changes. The 19-year-old student who we admitted, Hamilton Whitaker, has an excellent record and impressive extracurriculars. Indeed, we believe Hamilton and other whites like him might find themselves much more at home here than they expected.” At press time, President Biden had reportedly called in the 101st Airborne Division to safely escort the white student onto Harvard’s campus.
Best of luck to the 21st century James Meredith should he be able to successfully matriculate.
…maybe even better:
Back in the year 1823, I decided to become a slave so one day my descendants could steal college admissions slots. It was a tough decision, but boy, did it pay off big-time!
When I opted to become a slave and work in the cotton fields of South Carolina, I did it with the hope that in 200 years, my progeny would have an unfair advantage while applying to colleges. Deep down, I knew that if I sold my body and worked for no pay at the hands of my sadistic, violent master, then one day, my great-great-great-great-great-grandchild would be able to prevent some middle-class white kid from getting into their dream school.
Sorry, Colton! Thanks to me, your 1530 SAT score won’t be enough!