Caffinated colons

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop — the company that takes money from wealthy women in return for dangerous things to stick in their orifices — is catching some well-deserved flack for hawking coffee enemas and a $135 kit to jet java up the far end of your digestive system.

Down the hatch, coffee can jump start a day. But, according to dubious advice from Gwyneth Paltrow’s posh lifestyle and e-commerce site, Goop, the popular brew can also kick off a whole year—when taken up the bum.

Yes, Goop suggests that a coffee enema is a “clutch” way to “supercharge” your “annual goop detox” and start the year in tip-top health. In its latest guide for “deep detoxification,” the Goop team recommends a device called an “Implant O’Rama” for squirting coffee up your keister at home. The product, sold by Implant O’Rama LLC for a bargain $135, is merely a glass bottle with silicone tubing attached.

Implant O’Rama, in addition to having a name that is almost as dumb as Goop, is one of those concerns that clearly knows the difference between what it claims to be selling

For its part, Implant O’Rama LLC claims on its website that coffee gulped from the glutes “can mean relief from depression, confusion, general nervous tension, many allergy related symptoms and, most importantly, relief from severe pain. Coffee enemas lower serum toxins.”

And what it is actually selling: An ass full of coffee. Just hand over the cash, and keep the lawyers out of it.

But the claims are quickly followed by a lengthy disclaimer that notes such claims are “not necessarily” based on scientific evidence and the company’s products are not intended to “treat, diagnose, mitigate, prevent, or cure any condition or disease.” The company ends by stating that by “using this site for any purpose whatsoever… you are agreeing to indemnify Implant O’Rama LLC… from any claims or responsibility for anything.”

I do wonder how a coffee enema can relieve confusion. Perhaps after scalding his cecum the patient realizes the difference between his mouth and his asshole and is cured!

The fact is, using coffee enemas — brewed with raw water, no doubt — to supercharge an anual detox is one of the newer and less screwed up reasons people encourage other people to do this to themselves, or let someone else do it to them.

For example, there’s the Gerson Institute. In addition to claiming that coffee enemas can treat cancer, diabetes, heart disease and several other conditions that cannot be treated with any sort of enema, and MAYBE it’s OK for caner patients to have chemotherapy or radiation therapy in conjunction with putting dry roast up their rectums, Gerson also has the horrible ideas for home-made gifts.

If you’re a Gerson patient, chances are you’ve got tons of coffee grounds from all of those enemas. The most common approach to utilize spent grounds is to use them in the garden. This Holiday season, the gift of coffee is perfect to detox and treat your skin!

However, Gerson’s enema kit is far more reasonable; only $14.95 (no returns, please).

I think people who mislead people who are ill in order to support their stupid theory of health care — or simply for the money — should be treated with a ride on an old pine fence post. In part because the treatments themselves are dangerous, but also because they’re taking advantage of people who are scared shitless and not thinking rationally.