“Anyone who thought that ditchwater was dull could have spent an instructive half-hour in that ditch with a powerful microscope.”

For many people it is still a free country. If someone wants to spend $4,500 to extract water from the air because they think aitch-two-owe from the tap is too gross, they are free to do so. Just as I am free to say water snobbery the raw water movement is more proof that wealthy people are unseemly and a nuisance.

Thanks to R. Edroso for the Tweet that alerted me to raw watering.

At Rainbow Grocery, a cooperative in this city’s Mission District, one brand of water is so popular that it’s often out of stock. But one recent evening, there was a glittering rack of it: glass orbs containing 2.5 gallons of what is billed as “raw water” — unfiltered, untreated, unsterilized spring water, $36.99 each and $14.99 per refill, bottled and marketed by a small company called Live Water.

“It has a vaguely mild sweetness, a nice smooth mouth feel, nothing that overwhelms the flavor profile,” said Kevin Freeman, a shift manager at the store.

Little known fact: Roman shopkeepers were using the terms mouth feel and flavor profile to describe aqua right before the empire collapsed.

“Bottled water’s controversial. We’ve curtailed our water selection. But this is totally outside that whole realm.”

It is in the special realm of ridiculously expensive things people will buy.

Live Water gets its name from the fact that it turns green. Or so the company’s founder claims.

He said “real water” should expire after a few months. His does. “It stays most fresh within one lunar cycle of delivery,” he said. “If it sits around too long, it’ll turn green. People don’t even realize that because all their water’s dead, so they never see it turn green.”

Mmm. Taste that photosynthesis. Sadly, the motto It’s Gone Green! does not appear on Live Water’s website. instead, there’s lots of talk of probiotics and other mysterious microbes that are yet unknown to science. The pause that refreshes.

The probiotics listed here are exclusive to our unsterilized water. There could be countless other benificial microbes present, scientists just haven’t discovered yet. They are imperative for optimal physical and mental health. Without these probiotics we’re not able to fully assimilate all the nutrients in our food. Beneficial bacteria are also ​proven​ to have abilities to transform harmful bacteria. Here is a published medical report proving raw spring water has vast healing abilities.

And of course the impresario formerly known as Mr. Juicero is in on this.

The most prominent proponent of raw water is Doug Evans, a Silicon Valley entrepreneur. After his juicing company, Juicero, collapsed in September, he went on a 10-day cleanse, drinking nothing but Live Water. “I haven’t tasted tap water in a long time,” he said.

Before he could order raw water on demand, Mr. Evans went “spring hunting” with friends. This has become more challenging lately: The closest spring around San Francisco has recently been cut off by landslides, so reaching it means crossing private property, which he does under cover of night.

“You have to be agile and tactile, and be available to experiment,” he said. “Literally, you have to carry bottles of water through the dark.”

Few things say spoiled human fistula like trespassing because water that can be acquired at the tap, in a store, or from a rain barrel isn’t pure enough.

Apparently another problem with tap water is that it comes from The Man, man.

“Just take a breath of air,” said Mr. Friesen, a professor of materials science at Arizona State University. “Take a deep breath. No matter how wealthy or poor you are, you can take a breath and own that air that you breathe. And yet water — the government brings it to you.”

Unless you live in Flint, Mich.

Friesen is the founder of Zero Mass Water, which produces Source, the $4,500 moisture extraction and collection water perfecting system. Water Bugs are heavily into the idea of Perfect Water, it seems. Because there’s nothing, no matter how basic and essential to life, that some pretentious ass won’t try to make into a dick measuring contest.

Friesen doesn’t seem to be aware of the role the government can play in making sure the air is breathable. Also, the process people use to extract oxygen from the environment is a bit more straightforward than the water extraction one. In addition, paying the government to bring me as much clean water as I want seems a better deal than paying him $4,500 to bring me a bit more than two and a half gallons of water a day.

The article also mentions the website Findaspring.com, which is the funniest thing. Visitors to the site are invited to join “A growing movement composed of people all over the world who are choosing to drink the cleanest, healthiest, most natural water available in our world today.” A video tells the visitor that we’re biologically adapted to drink spring water. Tap water is like processed sugar. We can’t be good stewards of the environment if we don’t have a direct relationship with our water. However, some restrictions apply.

Disclaimer: Please independently test all spring water before you make the decision to consume it. This website is simply a source for locating springs, we do not validate water safety. You take full responsibility for your decision

Any spring listing on this site does not mean that the publishers and authors of this site condone the consumption of the water from said spring. Your use of this site indicates that you assume full responsibility for any adverse effects of consuming water from any source on this site and will not hold the publishers, authors, webmasters, administrators or maintainers of this site liable for any damages stemming from the use or misuse of this information.

So the wild water gatherer will need the means to get to and from the spring. This may include a hike and a container that weighs more than a toddler. A way to test and possibly purify the water may also be necessary. If you don’t break your leg on your water gathering jaunt, you may get very sick and shit yourself hollow. But it will make for a much more authentic and natural experience than drinking water that has arrived via municipal water system.