Know Your Enemy

It’s always nice when your enemies lay out the terms of engagement so starkly. I am naturally enough talking about defenders of ketchup.

I will cling to my gigantic Heinz ketchup until the end. I will fight like Davy Crockett at the Alamo to keep it. For God’s sake, it’s ketchup.

Let’s listen for a moment to the foodie killjoys at ScratchMommy.com. I hate them.

“If you use commercially prepared ketchup on your food, you might as well be starting an IV of high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), because that’s primarily what glugs out of the bottle. Most bottled ketchups consist basically of overcooked tomatoes, water, and a large (dose) of sugar, usually as some form of genetically engineered corn syrup. Many brands also add ‘natural flavorings,’ which are really flavor-boosting chemicals, one being MSG,” the killjoys reported.

Ketchup? What could me more innocuous? Marriner’s home fries without ketchup?

We have been informed that just one tablespoon of commercially prepared ketchup typically contains four grams of sugar. And many people consume much more than one tablespoon at a time, which quickly builds up your daily sugar load. Who uses one tablespoon? I use as much as the plate will hold.

It would indeed be a shame for diehard defenders of ketchup to go down like at the Alamo. I mean, if you want to use that metaphor, let’s go all the way! And what could be innocuous than ketchup? I don’t know, syphilis? Ted Cruz? A Yankees World Series title? All of these horrors are less disturbing than a whole plate of ketchup. This guy tries to obscure his agenda by then defending mayo but it’s a juke to distract our attention from his perfidious goal of forcing ketchup down our throats. It’s either them or us. Which side are you on?

Speaking of our enemies, you may remember that there is a nation north of us with the temerity to resist our invasion in 1813. It has since constantly assaulted our values by spelling labor “labour” and the like. These people are called Canadians. Here is an image of Canadians below:

These monstrous northerners have opened up a new front on us God-fearing ketchup-hating Americans:

Forget candy and flowers. Canadian Doritos fans have a much quirkier way to show their love—with a bouquet of ketchup-flavored Doritos roses.

The bouquets, the brainchild of BBDO Toronto, are geared toward women as a Valentine’s Day gift for men. Delivery was available in Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver, but customers outside the delivery zone can visit DoritosKetchupRoses.ca and “get crafty for love” by following instructions to make their own non-edible versions of the bouquet. (Ketchup Doritos are not available stateside, so U.S.-based Doritos lovers will have to make do with more banal nacho cheese, cool ranch or spicy sweet chili varieties.)

Is it true that under the Trans-Pacific Partnership, Doritos will be able to sue the U.S. government for banning such concoctions as ketchup-flavored Doritos from our shores? I mean, what good is an American government if we can’t protect ourselves from this? Not to mention we have fifth columnists through this nation like the guy at the first link probably willing to destroy our national values through buying this food. Some of these fifth columnists are even commenters are this blog. Will you stand up and destroy them before they destroy you? Now is the time my friends. Now is the time.