The Erasure of Female Desire

I was fairly shocked when “Magic Mike” came out. What was this–a movie about male strippers? What? Is that even a thing? Well, I guess it’s enough of a thing because “Magic Mike 2” came out this summer. This genuinely threw me for a loop because “Magic Mike” acknowledges something that goes virtually unnoticed and unremarked-upon ninety percent of the time: the female gaze. The Market actually noticed that it exists. I’m still gobsmacked.

Now, obviously, we all know that the female gaze/female desire exists. This is why romance novels are a thing. (Yes, you can “gaze” at characters in novels.) There’s a reason while you’ll never read the following passage in a romance novel:

Her gaze was riveted on his magnificent, pear-shaped dad-bod. Narrow shoulders gave way to the beginnings of fleshy moobs and then a poochy, round stomach. And it only got more erotic from there. His small penis hung flaccid betwixt his generous hips. 

But, let’s be honest: it’s always been given short shrift. Female desire has been consigned to niche markets, and in no way is our culture saturated with sexualized/idealized images of men the way the culture is saturated with images that appeal to the male gaze. There’s simply no comparison.

I think I know the reason for this. I think it’s because if we were to acknowledge female gaze/desire, we may begin catering to it (in the way we cater to the male gaze) and if we begin catering to it in that way men will begin to feel what it’s like to live in a world where you are constantly found…lacking.

Think about it. Women live in a world where we are bombarded–from morning to night–with sexualized/idealized images of other women. In each of these images, the message is clear: we–the average woman– are found lacking. Our skin isn’t glowy enough, we’re not thin enough, our breasts aren’t big enough, our butts aren’t tight enough. In everything from cheesecake men’s magazines to fashion magazines to television ads and billboards, we are constantly, consistently reminded that we need to be thinner, tanner, and bustier. On and on and on it goes–a constant stream of criticism. And we take this in stride. Hell, some of us act thankful for it, purchasing the latest beauty creams and trying the latest diets. Even as I try to push back against this neverendending river of bullshit, I admit to being open to a good moisturizer or conditioner. (My skin is too dry! My hair is too!) I exercise most days because I want to lose weight. Will I ever stop wanting to lose weight? I never did before, even when I was bonafide skinny.

My point is, this is how women live, and most of the time it’s just an accepted part of our lives. I can’t help but wonder if men would respond with the same grace if they were under the same pressure. If they were the judged instead of the judges. See, in a world where the female gaze is acknowledged, men will have to live with the idea that they are being judged–constantly. They will have to live in a world filled with sexualized/idealized images of tall, cut, six-packed, square-jawed men. And they will know that many of them will be found…lacking. Honestly, I don’t think most men could handle it. Which is why the female gaze is so defiantly ignored.

I wrote this knowing I risked sounding like a big jerk, so I thought I’d clarify something before wrap things up. Here’s the thing: I like men. And I don’t think they exist  to give me a lady-boner. I think lots of men, whether they’re fat or thin or handsome or not so, have value. Are interesting, funny, cool, awesome, smart, and, yes, sexy. So, even in an ideal world where the sexes were objectified equally, I’d like to think that most women would take my lead and have a similar attitude. I look forward to testing my theory.

(NOTE: To find images for this entry, I Googled “warriors.” Nearly all the images were of men. I Googled “sexy warriors” (SHUTUP) All the images were of women. I Googled “sexy male warriors.” All the images were for gay dudes. Nuff said.)

(ALSO: Sorry for showing you my lady-boner.)