Bar Lines
By I like a good rant. Especially when it is for a good cause. Such as people holding up bar lines to order complicated drinks.
The faddish reintroduction of “cocktail culture” on these shores has been a boon for liquor distillers and prohibition cosplayers. But it’s turned the once-efficient practice of ordering drinks into a sick and broken system. To be stuck in line behind a cocktail drinker when all you need is someone to pop the top off a beer is to be victim to a cruel and defective practice.
It is time to fight back against this invasive species.
There’s an obvious solution. Patrons at packed, under-staffed bars should consider the long line of customers behind them as they order a Gin Fizz or whatever, and instead purchase a drink that requires less time to make, such as: one beer. This will never happen, because people are assholes. And so we are forced to consider another option: Segregation.
Separate lines, each with its own bartender. One for those of us attempting to buy a quick beer, shot, or any liquor on the rocks; another for anyone purchasing a cocktail.
Will people cheat the system, like they do for express check-out lines and HOV lanes? Of course. “Could you put some bitters in that bourbon?” they’ll ask in the express lane. “Maybe a splash of vermouth, too?” No, fuck you. These rule breakers can be dealt with, with expulsion from the establishment. Customers will no doubt complain at first, too. Expel them. As the place is emptied out by force, the path to the bar becomes ever clearer.
I like a good mojito but I never order them at a busy bar. Why? Because it’s a jerk thing to do. It really operates in the same world as people talking loudly at concerts (I paid for this after all!) and, far more seriously, people choosing not to get their kids vaccinated. It’s the apotheosis of individualistic ideology that. Of course I shouldn’t be surprised by this ideology infecting all parts of our life since it central to is the consumerist individualism so promoted by modern capitalism and the corporate behavior that allows executives to make enormous decisions that affect millions of people based upon a quarterly report.
Of course, one can say this is ridiculous and that people ordering complicated drinks in a crowded bar (and probably tipping 50 cents for them) is meaningless. And maybe it’s true. But it’s not like these daily choices aren’t shaped by larger factors.