I Don’t Owe You a Boner

Our own Origami Isopod pointed me to this article about a Silicon Valley douchebro who is grossed out by all the mentally ill poor people in San Francisco. I’m sure that most of you expect me to talk about his tacky and disturbing lack of empathy, but that’s kind of like DUH OBVIOUS. So I thought I’d talk instead about the fact that this other poor put-upon man sometimes has to occasionally set eyes on women who are not supermodels. What’s worse, some of these not-supermodels have the gall to have standards.

Now, you might read this and think “Wow, what a douche. Thank goodness there’s only one of him in the world.” Unfortunately, I find this attitude towards women who are not conventionally attractive stunningly common. It’s a breathtaking form of entitlement–the idea that women everywhere should constantly be striving to give men a boner. And that if they fail they might as well not exist.

Listen, men, it’s not my job to give you a boner. I don’t give a shit if I give you a boner. Honestly, I’m just trying to make it through my day. “Give man a boner” is usually about 2800 on my  To Do list on any given day. If I have more than an hour to exhale, it may move up to 2799, but I’m still not promising you anything. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll brush my teeth that day or something. IF YOU’RE LUCKY.

No, but if I may FOR REAL you here, let me say that there are tons and tons and tons of men out there who don’t make me feel funny in my tummy. But, you know what? Those men are not on this earth to provide visual stimulation for me. And just because they don’t make me feel funny in the tummy does not mean that they are not funny or smart or interesting…or may, indeed, make someone else feel funny in the tummy.

So, take the “she doesn’t give me a boner” attitude, put it in a box, cover it in derp vomit from a certified Derp Unicorn, close it up, and bury it in your ass. I’m not here for your amusement.

BARRY FREED UPDATE: Blame him, hatas.