CAR vs. OFFICE HOURS, ROUND ONE
By SEK is driving CAR up a dangerous hill you no doubt remember at a rate of 70 miles per hour. He is on his way to office hours.
CAR: YAAAAAAWN!
All of the electricity in CAR disappears and now SEK and SLEEPING CAR are coasting uphill at the speed of impending panic. SEK depresses the gas pedal and wakes CAR up.
CAR: Did you say something?
SEK: What was that back there?
CAR: What was what back where?
SEK: That yawn and—
CAR: You mean CAR’s micronap? CAR does that now. Micronaps are cool.
SEK: Micronaps are not co—
CAR: YAAAAAAWN!
All of the electricity in CAR vanishes again and again SEK and SLEEPING CAR are coasting uphill at the speed of impending panic. SEK depresses the gas pedal and wakes CAR up. Again.
SEK: You did it again!
CAR: Did what?
SEK: Fell asleep!
CAR: Did not!
SEK: One more word from you and I’m pulling you over!
CAR: But—
SEK: Enough!
SEK pulls CAR over and looks at it sternly. After a few minutes, SEK reenters CAR and looks at its lying dashboard with a crooked eye.
CAR: You know you’re gonna be late for office hours.
SEK: I know that. Shut up.
CAR: Those kids are gonna think you let them down.
SEK: I KNOW.
CAR: Go ahead. Turn CAR on.
SEK: I’m not turning you on.
CAR: Just slip your key in CAR’s ignition and—
SEK: SHUT UP.
CAR: You know you wan—
SEK caves to CAR’s inappropriately expressed demands and carefully drives to campus. Once there, he locates a mechanic who can set CAR straight and informs his students that office hours will be delayed until 2 p.m. It is now 2:30 p.m. and SEK is talking with a MECHANIC.
SEK: I thought you said CAR would be ready by 2 p.m.
MECHANIC: CAR? No, CAR needed a part, so I had it towed to Riverside.
In the background, unseen by SEK, CAR moves across the stage from right-to-left, emphatically waving goodbye to everbody.
SEK: You towed CAR to Riverside?
MECHANIC: We thought it’d be more convenient for you, since you live in Corona.
SEK: How am I supposed to get back to class?
MECHANIC: We can call you a cab.
SEK: And what about after class?
MECHANIC: Just get your wife to pick you up.
SEK: But CAR is our only car.
MECHANIC: CAR is your only car?
SEK: CAR is.
MECHANIC: You want I should tow CAR back now?
SEK: Very much so, thank you.
In the background, unseen by SEK, CAR moves across the stage from left-to-right, emphatically waving hello to everybody.
MECHANIC: Here CAR is, good as exactly the same! Try not to drive CAR up steep incline between now and tomorrow when part from Riverside arrive.
CAR: (to SEK) CAR was gonna go on a field trip!
SEK: Your services were needed elsewhere.
CAR: (despondently) Back to campus then, are we?
SEK shoots CAR a wilting look, and CAR deflates as best as 3 tons of metal can. SEK returns to office hours late, commits to making up the three lost hours by staying an hour late on Wednesday and Thursday and coming in an hour early on Thursday. SEK’s not sure how CAR will feel about getting to campus at 9 a.m. on Thursday without employing the toll roads, but from the steely look on his face, it seems he really doesn’t consider CAR’s feelings to be relevant at the moment.