Dear Dr. Can’t-Win-An-Argument-So-Must-Tattle,

I just heard that the testimony of the three undergraduates I helped place at West Point carries more weight than the baseless accusations of unpatriotic anti-American Jew-hating you leveled against me.

I’m not saying that you should be embarrassed that one of the premier research institutions in the country considers the opinions of a few undergraduates more accurate and trustworthy than yours, but I take that back because I am.

Cheers!