Ask an Apocalypse Specialist
By Dear Dr. Farley,
Should I be preparing a boat or a car?
Distressed in DC
Dear Distressed in DC,
The failure of the modern energy transportation network will make such distinctions irrelevant. It would be better to ask “horse or bike?” I recommend the former; horses can swim, and in a pinch can be eaten.
Dear Dr. Farley,
Is cannibalism really as bad as they say?
Preparing in Peoria
Dear Preparing in Peoria,
As in all things, it depends on who you’re with.
Dear Dr. Farley,
In the event of an apocalypse, is it more important to save our shotgun shells for the zombies out to eat our delicious tasty brain matter or for the mutants that will arise in the radioactive wastelands that were once our cities?
NN Neither. Shotgun shells will be ineffective against the monkey-cyborgs that are likely to rise from the ashes of what was once American civilization. I recommend an M-16 with M995 armor piercing cartridges, or a .50 caliber machine gun. Details here. Also, aim for the monkey parts.
Dear NN,
Dear Dr. Farley,
As a political science grad who became a journalist, obviously I’m screwed when the apocalypse arrives and absolutely must find a new career. Brewing sounds too complicated — how does one become an accredited acpocalypse specialist? Is there a correspondence course?
RP
Dear RP,
Absolutely! Please send your application, a CV, and your first tuition installment of $5000 to Apocalypse Industries, Box 544460, Terre Haute, Indiana 47802. For obvious reasons we cannot accept credit cards. However, student loans are available to qualified applicants.
Dr. Farley, accredited* Apocalypse Specialist, has a twice-weekly column at lefarkins.blogspot.com.