Professor Values

Whenever I’m lost for something to blog about, Conservapedia never fails to satisfy. In the past, I’ve learned wonderful things about kangaroos and assorted other crap, but what I truly love about Conservapedia is that I learn so much about myself. The site has helped me realize that I am, indeed, a liberal. Now, as I prepare my tenure file, I realize that I have throughout assimilated the Professor Values required for lifetime confinement to the Ivory Tower.

Behold:

Professor values refer to the common value system embraced by a large percentage of professors, just as Hollywood values refers to the common value system of many in Hollywood.

An extremely high percentage of professors disagree with conservative principles. Professors’ common value system typically includes atheism, censorship, socialism, unjustified claims of expertise and knowledge (for example, the dogmatic promotion of the theory of evolution), liberal beliefs, liberal grading, liberal bias, anti-patriotism, lack of productivity, bullying or discouraging conservative students (for example, homeschoolers), and promotion of sexual immorality. In a Zogby poll, 58% of Americans said that the bias of professors is a serious problem, while 39% said it is a “very serious” problem. The survey demonstrated further that “an overwhelming majority also believe that job security for college professors leaves them less motivated to do a good job than those professors who do not enjoy a tenured status – 65% said they believe non-tenured professors are more motivated to do a good job in the classroom.” One study in 2008 found that “Texas university professors overwhelmingly favor Democratic candidates in their campaign contributions.”

Professors block the granting of a tenured professorship to anyone who:

* criticizes the theory of evolution
* criticizes feminism and/or abortion
* opposes the homosexual agenda

Professors wear white armbands to protest an award of an honorary degree to a conservative.

With the exception of wearing a white armband to graduation — I prefer red clown shoes — I’m happy to report that I have exceeded my highest expectations on each of these metrics.

For the true connoisseur of Professor Values, however, the list of crimes committed by professors is also especially fantastic. You’ll be stunned, for example, to learn that Louis Althusser killed his wife! And the Shining Path was founded by a philosopher! And a professor once dropped his pants at a county fair! No, really!. (Somewhat surprisingly, the list fails to mention the case of Dick Pervo, the professor of New Testament studies who was arrested for loading child pornography onto his office computer at the U. of Minnesota.)

The tenure review committee is sure to be disappointed that I have never killed anyone, nor have I founded a Maoist militia, nor have I trafficked in lewd images or exposed myself to a crowd of children at a 4-H gathering. But I started drinking long before I was 21, and I used to smoke copious amounts of grass, and I also shoplifted — a lot! — during my misspent youth. If it weren’t for academia, I’d be in jail by now!