Just Say No

So the National Fatherhood Initiative — one of the great sluice boxes for wingnut welfare — has linked arms with the tee-totalers at Anheuser-Bush to create a site called “Positive Parenting,” which aims to provide wholesome advice to anyone seeking to discourage their teens from drinking. Now, I won’t have a teenager until 2019, but it’s probably never too soon to begin thinking about it. Indeed, if memory serves, I began pondering the teenage years about 15 minutes after our first ultrasound confirmed that we were in fact producing a human child rather than some sort of alien-goat hybrid. That said, I’m pretty certain that as a father I’ll learn almost nothing helpful from a venture that brings the booze industry together with a group that believes my role in the family should be analogous to Jesus’ relationship to the church.

I could be wrong, though. Let’s have a look around the site and see.

Oh, hello there, Dr. Lonnie Carton. I see you work here. What’s that, you say? You’ve a list of clever retorts that teens can use to deflect friends who offer them alcohol? Well, good gracious — let’s hear them!

1. “No thanks. I don’t want to take the chance. My Mom has a nose like an elephant and she can smell alcohol on me a mile away.”
2. “No thanks. I’m driving after I leave here.”
3. “I’m trying out for the team and if the coach finds out I’m a goner.”
4. “You’re really cool to share, but, no thanks.”
5. “No thanks; I’ve tried it and all it does for me is put me to sleep.”
6. “Me chicken? Do you see any feathers on me?”
7. “Not now. I’m already in enough trouble with my parents.”
8. “No thanks…there must be a good reason why they say you have to be older to drink so I think I’ll just wait.”
9. “Right now, I’m totally hungry not thirsty, so I think I’ll just grab some munchies.”
10. “No thanks, maybe later. Right now a soda would taste really great.”

[crickets chirping, occasional coughing and chair shifting]

Oh, sorry. I was just imagining how those snappy comebacks would pan out in real life.

On the other hand, this list might work well in our occasional encounters with trolls here.