Happy Administrative Professionals Day
By 
A toast to all the people who keep the nation’s businesses, private agencies and public institutions from collapsing into a sinkhole of incompetence. If it weren’t for the administrative employees in the American Studies Department at the University of Minnesota and the good people laboring away in the Arts and Sciences at the University of Alaska-Southeast, I’d be standing in line right now for soup.
It goes without saying that you all deserve higher salaries than you actually draw, but since most of you aren’t unionized, your bargaining power is severely diluted. When the revolution commences, your bosses’ homes and vehicles will be confiscated for your enjoyment. But until the sun rises on that crisp, glorious day, please help yourself to all the office supplies you can carry. Pens, post-it notes, reams of paper, computer terminals, and laser printers — go nuts, people. Sociologists call this “equity action,” but it’s actually the universe shifting subtly and temporarily toward its proper equilibrium.
Seriously. If it isn’t nailed down, take it. It’s yours.