Originalism Explained
By Sam Alito has given a very helpful interview to the fine folks at Fafblog!:
FB: Now back around then you also wrote a memo saying the Attorney General can’t be sued for illegally wiretapping people.
ALITO: I did? Are you sure? Because to be perfectly honest I don’t remember a lot of what I did during the Reagan administration. You know how it is when you’re serving in the White House, Fafnir – the wild nights, the drunken partying, the granting of absolute power to members of the executive branch… it’s hard to keep track.
FB: Oh man, tell me about it! This one time I was hangin out with Dick Cheney an Al Gonzales an they were all hopped up on horse tranquilizers an Cheney’s all “let’s grant the president the ability to violate civil law during wartime” an Gonzales was like “dude!” an I was all “you guys are crazy!”
ALITO: You know, people are focusing way too much on the triviality of things I’ve said or done or repeatedly expressed a strident ideological commitment to. I don’t let my legal opinions affect my legal decisions – I just follow the law, the Constitution, and the original intent of the Founding Fathers.
FB: So you don’t want to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant. James Madison wants to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant!
ALITO: Exactly!
FB: That bastard! Why’d we let im write the Constitution anyway?
ALITO: Dunno! I guess we’re just stuck now.
FB: Now what do you use to check for the Founders’ original intent? I know some like to use a federally-funded time machine an some just read from the giant stone tablets George Washington carved into the living rock at Mount Sinai.
ALITO: There are many different techniques and methodologies, Fafnir. For example, Antonin Scalia’s approach involves reading the will of the founding fathers through the power of the ouija, while Clarence Thomas scries for original intent within the innards of a sacrificial law clerk. I simply channel the spirits of the Framers through an old-fashioned seance.
FB: So what happens if you summon up the ghosts of the founding fathers and the spectral aura of Thomas Jefferson gets in a fight with the ectoplasmic residue of Alexander Hamilton?
ALITO: In the event of an intra-framer fight, the Chief Justice may settle the matter by invoking the doctrine of eenius meenius.
FB: What if Hamilton’s ghost gets shot by the ghost of Aaron Burr?
ALITO: It depends. Was Hamilton’s name on Aaron Burr’s warrant?
Hmm, I thought it was Scalia who sacrificed his clerks…