Kill them All
By Dear US Chamber of Commerce,
Hello. My name is Rob. I have been on telephone hold with various different institutions over the past two hours in an effort to get cable and electricity in my new apartment. I believe that this experience has granted me insight into certain aspects of the telephone based business model. I am graciously prepared to share these with you, free of charge:
1. Please hire enough operators to achieve some semblence of quick service during peak times. Rage builds every additional minute that I’m on the phone. It’s bloody difficult for me to be polite in the best of circumstances, and wanting to kill any living creature I encounter after staying on hold for an hour doesn’t help.
2. Speaking of murderous tendencies, please don’t try to advertise to me while I’m on hold. I don’t care what movies On Demand features this month; I’ll find that out soon enough. In particular, I don’t need to hear the same advertisement nine times in 30 minutes. Moreover, your advertisment break up the (extremely) mild musical distraction you play in the background.
3. After asking me to push a bunch of buttons in order to find an operator, please do not regail me with tales of the glory of your push button system. I’m already on hold, and I don’t need to hear how this all could have been expedited if only I’d pushed the right buttons.
4. Please play some decent goddamn music.
Thank you very much.
Robert M. Farley