Exxon-Mobil

I received a rather strange piece of mail the other day. It was addressed to all employees of Exxon-Mobil, which I am definitely not, and was their 2004 Corporate Citizenship Report. I thought, well hell, if they are going to imagine that I am their employee then I am going to imagine a conversation between myself and Exxon-Mobil CEO Lee Raymond in order to ridicule their report. So here is that imagined conversation. Enjoy.

Let’s hope I don’t get sued here.

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Erik Loomis: Mr. Raymond, thanks for meeting with a lowly employee.
Exxon-Mobil CEO Lee Raymond: Oh no problem, I always believe in a policy of openness.
EL: I could tell from your 2004 Corporate Citizenship Report that you sent me.
LR: I’m impressed that you read it.
EL: Well, I’m so honored to be employed by such a strong corporate citizen as Exxon-Mobil that I had to read it.
LR: I wish all of our employees were as dedicated as you are.
EL: We would have a stronger country if everyone had my strong work ethic.
LR: Indeed
EL: Can I ask you a few questions about the report?LR: Absolutely. I’d be happy to answer them.
EL: Great. I’m impressed that not only are you an old white man leading a corporation, but that your vice-president, Rex Tillerson, is also an old white man. How did you manage to overcome affirmative action to reach these positions? I thought it was impossible for a white male to reach a position of authority within corporate America these days.
LR: It was a real struggle, I’ll tell you. I can’t even tell a darkey joke in a board meeting these days. White men have it very hard. There are just no role models for us in the news media, in Hollywood, in baseball, and especially in corporate America. That’s why I’m so proud of my achievements. I really hope to stand as a role model for young white males everywhere. If they work really hard, they too can head a multi-billion dollar corporation and pay workers in Chad $1 a day.
EL: That’s a very touching story. Let me ask you; is affirmative action a communist plot to undermine western civilization?
LR: Yes it is. We all know that all the achievements of the world have come from white males. Without white males, we would be living in trees and slinging our feces at each other. Actually, don’t they still do that today in San Francisco?
EL: Wow, not only are you a brilliant corporate head, but you’re also a comedian. Amazing.
LR: They say that if I hit the road, I could be the next Carrot Top.
EL: Well, at least you have a backup career for when the communists install a woman in your position.

EL: I read in the Corporate Citizenship Report that Exxon-Mobil recorded earnings of $25.3 billion last year? I’m sure that you passed most of that on to your employees, especially those low paid employees in your oil fields in Africa and Central Asia.
LR: And you said I was funny. If I’m the next Carrot Top, maybe you are the next Pauly Shore. Ha Ha. Actually, we rewarded all of our executives with new mansions, ivory-covered backscratchers, and for me, a specially set up private sex trip to the Philippines. I’m hoping that if we can just cut the wages in our African oil fields a little more next year, that I can buy a Caribbean island to launder my money to. Oh wait, erase that. The jack-booted thugs in the IRS don’t understand the individualist ethic that makes this country great.
EL: I also noticed that Exxon-Mobil had a 90% spill reduction since 1996. Very impressive. Just out of curiosity, how much has it gone down since 1989, when the Exxon Valdez spilled all of its oil in Alaska?
LR: Oh, since 1989 it’s gone down about 40,000,000%. But we don’t talk about that here. I still don’t see what the big damn deal was. Why do Americans care about penguins more than oil companies?
EL: I didn’t know they had penguins in Alaska. But who am I to argue with the head of a major corporation? You know, I am amazed by the charity work that Exxon-Mobil does in the world. I read that your company gave $5 million in new grants to support community projects and malaria research in 2004. Was that a big burden for the company?
LR: Well, let me put it this way. I just wiped my ass with a $5 million bill. I’ll bet you didn’t even know they had them.
EL: No, I didn’t. Who’s on the bill?
LR: A great American hero is on the bill. Robert Welch, the founder of the John Birch Society. He knew what America was all about. You should write about him. There’s a white male who has never gotten his due. You can’t even teach about the JBS in the schools. Did you know that communists controlled our schools?
EL: Yes, I had heard that. I also heard that these days the schools teach that the Earth revolves around the sun.
LR: We live in dangerous times.
EL: I was really impressed that Exxon-Mobil spent nearly $15 billion on “capital and expenditures to help meet future world energy needs.” How much of that was on renewable sources of energy?
LR: We gave $100 to some hippies that said they were collecting to develop a technology to burn dog droppings they find on the street. That way we can say that we support these new technologies. You know, these wind and solar technologies can never work.
EL: Why not?
LR: I don’t know the science behind it. But I do know that most of the people who support wind and solar energy are the same communists who think that I shouldn’t hire my secretaries based on the size of their breasts. I guess this goes back to the kind of oppression that white males feel today. It seems like eons since we’ve even had a white male serve as Secretary of State. I mean even though white males were our Secretaries of State for the first 210 years or so of this nation, we haven’t had one since. And look what’s happened. You know 9/11 never would have happened if we hadn’t let women and blacks in positions of power in this country.
EL: I hear you. But getting back to alternative forms of technology, in your energy outlook for 2030, you say that “plentiful, reliable, and affordable energy supplies are essential for economic development.” Will traditional petroleum-based technologies be able to supply those needs in another 25 years?
LR: God no. But I’ll be dead by then so I don’t care. Besides, my minister stresses that the apocalypse will have happened by then and that Christ will have come down and taken all the holy souls to Heaven while the long-hairs are down here getting sodomized by Satan’s minions.
EL: Who are Satan’s minions?
LR: The Jews and the communists. I guess that’s kind of redundant though.
EL: Naturally.
LR: It’s our duty to use up the Earth’s resources as fast as possible to speed up the return of Christ. God put everything on Earth for us to use at our leisure. He knows that as soon as it’s all gone, we can all go to Heaven. The obvious conclusion is that conservationist is another word for devil-worshipper. That’s why it’s so important to open up ANWR for drilling. The caribou were placed there by Satan to tempt us. In order to go to Heaven, we have to ignore the cute temptations and instead use all our resources as rapidly as possible. Besides, I want to see some smiting before I die.
EL: You talk about temptations, but didn’t you mention something about a sex trip to the Philippines earlier?
LR: Yes, but you see those people aren’t white. God placed them here to serve us. If I was with an underage white girl, that would be a sin. But an underage brown or black girl, no. That’s just another way of respecting God’s wishes to use the resources of the world up before we go to Heaven.
EL: Changing the subject a bit here, you keep talking about how your energy efficiency is slightly over the “historical industry rate.” What is the historical industry rate for energy efficiency for the energy industry?
LR: Absolute zero. That’s the great thing about numbers like that. Anything makes you look good. We in industry love stuff like this.
EL: Let me also ask you about your political donations. It says that the Exxon-Mobil PAC disbursed $861,000 to federal candidates. Did all of that go to Republicans?
LR: Yes, if you count our infiltrators.
EL: Infiltrators?
LR: Yes, Joe Lieberman for instance. Do you actually think he’s a Democrat?
EL: Well, not really.
LR: A guy like Lieberman is perfect. He is a spy in the Democratic Senate Caucus and he allows us to say we give money to both sides.
EL: Can you tell me who your other spies are?LR: No. Lieberman is so obvious that we can talk about him. I will tell you that we lost some good ones this year when Zell Miller and John Breaux retired. But there are more, let me tell you.

LR: I hate to cut this interview short, but I have to go pretty quick. I have a new shipment of elephant tusks coming in. I have to check out their quality to see if they will do for my custom made piano keys.
EL: Of course. It’s been a real honor. Can I ask you one more question before you go?
LR: Absolutely.
EL: If I am your employee, why have I never received a check from you?
LR: You are an experiment for us. We hope to import our “Africa Plan” to United States workers.
EL: Africa Plan?
LR: Yes, we don’t actually pay the workers there. But we do send them this lovely Corporate Citizenship Report every year telling them how much money we made. They can have the pride of knowing they made us a lot of money and the paper is infused with some key vitamins and minerals they can use for their food supply over the next year. We think that’s the future in global labor relations.