The decalogue (MAGA edition)
By 
Child molester and demonic parrots
Ever notice (extreme Andy Rooney voice) that all prominent Louisiana politicos come from about five families tops?
Gov. Jeff Landry signed legislation on Wednesday requiring the display of the Ten Commandments in every public classroom in Louisiana, making the state the only one with such a mandate and reigniting the debate over how porous the boundary between church and state should be.
Critics, including the American Civil Liberties Union and the Freedom From Religion Foundation, vowed a legal fight against the law they deemed “blatantly unconstitutional.” But it is a battle that proponents are prepared, and in many ways, eager, to take on.
“I can’t wait to be sued,” Mr. Landry said on Saturday at a Republican fund-raiser in Nashville, according to The Tennessean. And on Wednesday, as he signed the measure, he argued that the Ten Commandments contained valuable lessons for students.
“If you want to respect the rule of law,” he said, “you’ve got to start from the original law giver, which was Moses.”
Cool cool cool, but ya know there are a lot of versions of the Big 10. There’s the Catholic version, and the heretic version, and the Mormon too weird to qualify for heresy version etc.
So why not update things just a little, to reflect the beliefs of all Real Americans ™ in these united states?
(1) I am the Trump thy God.
(2) Thou shalt have no other gods before me, for like the divinity of the Old Testament, I’m a pathological narcissist. who needs constant praise from my admirers lest my wrath blaze up against them etc.
(3) Thou shalt not take my name, the Shem HaMephorash of MAGA in vain, at least not without paying me an appropriately fat licensing fee if you want to splash it all over some semi-sacred merch, now available at never before seen prices.
(4) Thou shalt make unto me no graven images, unless they’re of me, and extremely tasteful. See also (3) in re licensure.
(5) Remember my day, which is all days, and keep it holy by addressing me as “Sir,” with tears in your eyes, especially if you’re a big strong strapping Marine with six-pack abs and a voice like a little girl.
(6) Honor thy father and mother, by convincing them to send me all their money. (See (3) and (4), supra).
(7) Thou shall not kill any right thinking white folks, or honorary whites.
(8) Thou shalt not commit adultery on tape or video.
(9) Thou shalt grift on all the days of your life, for Donald so loved the world that he sent to it Trump University, and Trump Steaks, and Trump Resorts, so that you might have eternal life through me, as long as all charges remain paid in full.
(10) Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wife, and thy neighbor’s daughter, and thine own daughter if she’s such a knockout that no man or deity could resist her, for lo she was asking for it.