Hickenloopermentum!

This eulogy for John Hickenlooper’s stillborn presidential campaign is an amusing bit of deadpan reporting, made possible by the fact that Hickenlooper seemed to seriously think he had some chance of being the Democratic nominee:

Can John Hickenlooper interest you in a joke?

“What’s the opposite of woe?” Mr. Hickenlooper, the former Colorado governor and still-presidential-candidate, asked inside a hotel reception room last week, testing a favorite equine comedy bit before tens of listeners. “Giddy up!” A few people giggled cooperatively.

All right, how about some biography?

“Time magazine called me one of the top-five big-city mayors in America,” he boasted, recalling his time leading Denver, as a couple of Dartmouth College students peeked at their phones.

O.K., O.K., why don’t we open it up for questions?

“Why not enter the 2020 Senate race?” asked Daisy Hagen, a 16-year-old visiting from Oregon for a debate camp.

“All right. Heh, heh,” Mr. Hickenlooper said, swimming a bit in a baggy blue-checkered button-down. “A fair question. You’re not the first person to ask.”

But Dem primary voters are missing out on some strategies that could TRANSFORM American politics!

Asked by a voter how he might overcome the intractability of Mitch McConnell as president, Mr. Hickenlooper appeared to liken the Senate majority leader to a moody patron. “One of the basic rules in restaurants is when someone’s really angry, you repeat back to them what they said,” he said. “And in hearing their own words, they feel validated.”

“I’m not saying this will work with Mitch McConnell,” Mr. Hickenlooper added. Then again, he did not propose an alternative tack.

Personally, I see no flaws in this plan. And he has hired the best minds to ensure that he’ll get the chance to make it happen!

After months of internal friction and, according to Mr. Hickenlooper, a meeting at which several senior advisers suggested he drop out and run for the Senate, his new and remaining aides say this is their most viable strategy: letting Mr. Hickenlooper be himself. His circle now comprises a mix of true believers determined to see him shine and mercenary professionals happy to attach themselves to a presidential campaign. Recent hires have included veterans of the stalled prospective candidacy of Howard Schultz, the billionaire former chief executive of Starbucks, and the failed Chicago mayoral bid of William M. Daley.

I guess the people behind Jim Webbs’s 2016 campaign were unavailable.

Oh well, at least Hick can go back to the Senate. Or is that one of the other 12 store-brand Colorado white guys currently running for president? It’s hard to keep track.