Reverend DUMBledore
By I was going to put this in one of my linky posts, but, honestly, it’s just so insane I think it’s worthy of its own post.
Grace Ann is rewriting “Harry Potter” books because she doesn’t want her children turning into witches. Oh sure, laugh, but think about this: If parents had exercised similar diligence re: “Twilight” we wouldn’t be dealing all with sparkling vampires sabotaging our garlic crops.
Snark aside, I just wanted to say how I’m pretty much never surprised by wingnut mean-spiritedness, but I can still be surprised by how petty, stupid and childish they can be. I mean…
“So,” Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. “What Sorting Hat do you think you will choose?”
“Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin,” Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. “My whole family is Slytherins.” He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. “You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!”
“Hm,” Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. “Why don’t you tell me about what Slytherins believe?”
“Sure!” Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. “Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible.”
“That is wonderful!” Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. “I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?”
“But wait-that is not all!” Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. “Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do.”
Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, “Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?”
Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, “Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!”
Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. “Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?”
“What about Mary?” Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. “You have to at least worship to her!”
“You mean the mommy of Our Lord?” Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. “I don’t worship her?”
“Well, then, God hates you!” Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.
Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.
“Don’t listen to him,” commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.
Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. “Peace” signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.
“You should not become a Slytherin Hat,” the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. “They are far too strict.”
Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word “strict” was not what came to mind!
“You should become a Hufflepuff Hat,” the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. “That’s what I’m going to do.”
“What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?” Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!
“Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it,” Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. “We don’t believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that’s about it. We’re really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!”
For reals? These people are certifiable.
UPDATE: A lot of you calling “parody” or “POE.” Sure. Could be. But the term “beyond parody” is a thing for a reason. As I said down thread, I figure either way it’s hilarious.