A Halloween Message From Mitt Romney

As longtime readers know, failed Republican presidential candidate and reprehensible sneering bully* Mitt Romney has occasionally seen fit to use this forum to place media stories in the proper context. Perhaps to celebrate my wearing a costume for the first time since the Reagan administration, Governor Mittens — who also blogs here under the handle dwd — has seen fit to share his insights again:

Gosh, my friends, what a fantastic morning “Ann” and I were having here in one of our various domiciles around this once-great nation, until I heard that someone has been writing scandalous things about my presidential campaign. You’ll recall my son (I believe it was Tagg, although it could have been Crom, or Hork, I’m not sure) pointed out was undertaken not because I wanted to be president (because I didn’t believe you me), but only for the good of the country. I simply felt that it was time to bring, um, light back to America, to pull it from the shade, if you will, of the darkness that had…well, I’m sure you get the idea.

Anyway, there “Ann” and I were, about to enjoy her delicious breakfast specialty (plain Cream of Wheat; I like to add just a touch of salt to mine to “kick that thing up a notch or two” as Chef Elmo likes to say), when I learned about this scurrilous piece and I immediately came here to rebut these allegations:

1. First, I want to be clear that I have the utmost respect for Governor Christie. How anyone of that inhuman girth is able to roll himself out of bed each day, let alone muster up enough energy to govern an entire state, is beyond me. He’s to be commended, really.

2. I did not simply pick Paul as my running mate because he reminded me of the upstanding young men I had mentored at Bain, but also because his views on the proper distribution of wealth in this country so closely mirrored my own, and those of the upstanding young men I had mentored at Bain.

3. We briefly considered Howard Baker, but then he let us know quite emphatically that he would not want to be posthumously baptized into the Mormon faith, which was a non-starter for us. Still, I have great respect for Senator Baker and look forward to posthumously baptizing him into the Mormon faith.

4. I’m not sure who these people are. We did lose a VP options binder somewhere in the sub-basement of a Ramada Inn near Des Moines, Iowa, so it’s possible that they were in there and, if so, I apologize to their families for their disappearance.

5. Again, I have the deepest admiration for Governor Christie. I feel like I should send him something to express my respect, but I can’t seem to find a pizza establishment in Trenton that can deliver a thousand pizzas to Drumthwacket in time for dinner tonight.

6. If Barack Obama is so smart, my friends, why were Paul and I leading in the unskewed polling all the way through Election Day?

I hope this has helped to clarify these scurrilous tales and put them in their proper context. Thank you for reading and God Bless Amercia!

Your friend,

“Mitt”

*It’s obviously not the reason why his election would have been a disaster. But still — ““Oh, there’s your date for tonight,” he would say to male members of his traveling crew when they spied a chunky lady on the street.” This guy is running for president? Of the United States of America, not a frathouse?