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Do you want me to strangle this kitten? Because I will…

[ 126 ] March 6, 2013 |

… and it’ll be on you.

Late at night in the Inland Empire runs a commercial for a car dealership (or some related industry) in which a man in the throes of a late-mid-life crisis cradles a puppy while informing viewers that, if they don’t purchase whatever it is he’s selling, he won’t be able to donate to the local animal shelters.* The threat is as unambiguous as it is unsettling. I would doubt that any conservative who isn’t continuing to stalk and harass me would stoop to such lows, but then Robert Stacy McCain reminds me that my bog-standard expectations are insufficiently boggy:

Have you ever hit Da Tech Guy’s tip jar? I have and you should. Have you ever contributed to the Protein Wisdom monthly fund drive? I have and you should. And how about hitting Jimmie Bise’s tip jar? Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

I’m not going to help fund amateur shadow-boxers, because I have no interest in watching grown men punching dark bits on the wall they mistake for Obama. Or at least, I wasn’t going to until McCain informed me of the alternative:

If powerful Malaysian interests had been willing to pay $400,000 to obtain the services of a natural-born smartass, how quickly would I have cashed that check? Immediately.

Would I drop Jeff Goldstein a few bucks to buy a gun to match his ammunition if it meant I wouldn’t have so many friends and relatives reading the pay-for-play nonsense of tyrannical regimes? Given that they seem to be as helpless as hostage puppies before talk radio’s nonsense, I can’t say I’m not tempted. If we have to pay conservatives to be truthful, however remotely, maybe that’s just the price of democracy these days. Who’s to say we shouldn’t just pay it?

*I can’t find a video of this on Youtube, but if any of you can, I’d be forever obliged. I’d love to use it in my class.

Comments (126)

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  1. I dunno if you’re old enough to remember this.

    • SEK says:

      Given that it was published well before I was born … no. But I see your point and take it.

    • cpinva says:

      the good old days, when nat lamp was a mag worthy of sneaking around in my backpack (yes, i had a backpack in high school. mine wasn’t a cool backpack, it was a korean war veteran, marine corps backpack, got a problem with that?), which it stopped being, not long before SNL became not worth watching.

      • John says:

        Thoughts on SNL:

        1. While it is dreadful to watch a whole episode through, they still produce very funny content on a semi-regular basis.

        2. Aside from the mid-80s period when it was just terrible, I don’t think that this has ever not been the case. People have just forgotten the bad stuff in the original cast period, the late 80s/early 90s renaissance, the Will Ferrell era, or whatever other era people have decided was when SNL was last worth watching.

        • cpinva says:

          it stopped being worth watching, shortly after most of the original cast, that belushi recruited, left. while no one show was ever uniformly perfect, the original cast, having come from a mostly improv comedic background, did a uniformly better job of recovering from poorly ended skits. later casts, almost uniformly tended to look like deer caught in a headlight, when a skit when south. i attribute that, in large part, to signing people who, for the most part, lacked any serious theatre training, but were stand-up comics.

          • Timb says:

            If you don’t watch, how do you know!

            • cpinva says:

              “If you don’t watch, how do you know!”

              i don’t need to jump off a cliff, to know the landing will not end well.

              • timb says:

                You have offended both apples and oranges by claiming to critique a show you haven’t watched — allegedly — for almost 35 years.

                • Malaclypse says:

                  I have not watched it either, but I do know that it employed both Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson.

                • cpinva says:

                  “You have offended both apples and oranges by claiming to critique a show you haven’t watched — allegedly — for almost 35 years.”

                  you’ve offended basic reading skills. i never stated that i haven’t watched it since the original cast left, i stated that it hasn’t been worth watching, two entirely different, and easily differentiated things, which you would have known, if you could simply read. sadly, i have, from time-to-time, watched SNL, which is how i ascertained that it isn’t worth watching, for the most part.

                  and yes, the ability, on live tv, to competently recover from a badly written ending to a skit, makes live tv watchable. otherwise, why bother? heck, i can see live incompetence all around me, i don’t to set aside time to watch it on tv

          • spencer says:

            So the ability to gracefully recover from a skit gone south is what made SNL worth watching?

    • ralphdibny says:

      Or this.

    • Jaycubed says:

      The first person really famous for animal stuff was Cal Worthington:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOsLdT4slsk

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQlgFdyJYuQ

      Cal didn’t go for the maudlin dog bit; but one of his former salesmen opened up a lot & then moved to Las Vegas & continued the shtick, but with the dogs from the pound,Fletcher Fleecer Jones (Chevrolet). Couldn’t find any videos for him, there must have been thousands from the mid 60′s to the 80′s when Fletcher Fleecer Jones Jr. took over & continued the dog act for a while. Jr. married Jan Laverty, Thriftimart/Albertsons scion and 2 term Mayor of Las Vegas. The company has gone upscale (Mercedes) & moved back into California.

  2. McCain calls himself a smartass; I’d say he’s half right.

  3. Shakezula says:

    Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

    Ar har har. But seriously, what fight is this? The fight where they sit their well-stuffed duffs in front of a computer and type “Obama liberal socialist Mooslim bark gibber squawk FREEDOM!” Because that ain’t fight, son. That’s a tantrum.

    If powerful Malaysian interests had been willing to pay $400,000 to obtain the services of a natural-born smartass, how quickly would I have cashed that check?

    The problem here being if Malaysia were after a natural born smartass, Stacy meets only half of the requirements.

    If we have to pay conservatives to be truthful, however remotely, maybe that’s just the price of democracy these days. Who’s to say we shouldn’t just pay it?

    Uh yeah … Not really. We already know how much conservatives expect to be paid when they lie; we can’t afford the truth.

  4. Jonas says:

    Having (unfortunately) read your links, I learned that you are a lying lieberal who libels. You are also a hypocrite for criticizing another professor for posting scantily clad women on his website, while allowing your students to swear. And this is the truth, which is why you were attacking him. Am I getting this right? Because I can’t figure out the lies, libel or hypocrisy part.

    • SEK says:

      That’s the case against me … minus the part where some anonymous someone sent my department many emails referring to me as a “demonologist,” which someone conveniently leaves out of his account.

      You know, to make it look like I was just contacting his department because he was being wildly inappropriate and unprofessional, and not because he was also (and is still also) harassing me.

  5. Funkhauser says:

    All the conservative movement’s a pyramid scam,
    and all their manly men often takers
    They have their tip jars and their appeals
    And one blogger in his time can find many marks
    In his attacks against Bill Ayres

    Shorter RS McCain: “What have you done as a mark lately?”

  6. Stop picking on the righteous retards, you dirty hooked-nosed Jew.

  7. Matt says:

    Better plan: sign exclusive deals with rightbloggers, then shitcan the entire output. Basically “pay for STFU”.

    • Scott S. says:

      That’s actually my plan whenever I finally win the lottery and buy the NYTimes. Sign a lot of wingnuts to exclusive 30-year contracts, require ‘em to write three columns a week, then burn ‘em in front of ‘em. And then ship ‘em all off to the Amazon River Basin and let ‘em get infected with skin-eating parasites…

      • herr doktor bimler says:

        Canonically one is doomed to be trapped in the Amazonian jungle, endlessly reading Dickens to an illiterate farmer.

      • cpinva says:

        at the rate the nyt’s is going, you should be able to acquire it for the spare change found in your living room couch. i assume mo dowd is getting paid in green stamps.

      • Shakezula says:

        I believe you will find that as with sharks and people of a certain unfairly slandered profession, skin-eating parasites will not eat right wing bloggleheads.

    • BigHank53 says:

      Uh, go back and look at Romney’s payroll from last year. He was paying a lot of people to not go on TV and talk about his campaign.

      • cpinva says:

        “Uh, go back and look at Romney’s payroll from last year. He was paying a lot of people to not go on TV and talk about his campaign.”

        did they actually get paid, or did he stiff them too?

    • Scott Lemieux says:

      I thought that was the Pajamas Media business model.

  8. Mr. Bollinger says:

    Do you think that Goldstein’s followers ever realize that the man spends all of his time screaming that they, and everyone else, must work as hard as possible, so that one never becomes a leech or a moocher – while Goldstein, who apparently is unwilling or unable to find a day job – sits back and supports himself with their charity? I wonder myself. “I gotta give $50.00 to Goldstein this month, honey, else he might have to work for a living.”

    • SEK says:

      Do you think that Goldstein’s followers ever realize…

      No.

    • Timb says:

      Do you think Goldstein really listens to Mark Levin and believes all the doomsday talk? Do you think that if the 2005 war blogger, “there’s-a-terrorist-behind-every-corner-and-can-do-whatever-he-wants-to-kill-him” Goldstein ever met the 2013 OMG-the-liberal-fascists-are-coming-for-our-guns-because-government-is-the-enemy Goldstein that each of them would scream poseur and then argue over who is more buff, before retiring to cyber stalk people on wrestling listserves

      Or

      Would they wrestle each other over who is less loved by Michele Malkin?

      • Mr. Bollinger says:

        I wasn’t around then to enjoy the madness of Iraq War-era Goldstein. My loss, because I imagine he was hilarious.

        • Timb says:

          Just imagine all the gun bs being directed at the media for being “soft on terrorists” and you’ll have some idea. To be fair, though, that’s when I commented there and, reading his post on Obama claims he can use military power/drones against Americans, I was over-whelmed with how stupid it was. He begins with an easily demonstratable lie/false assertion and then slides into whiny victimhood in one sentence. I can’t imagine being interested enough in him to comment now. I’ve got to stop clicking on memeorandum links

      • Origami Isopod says:

        Would there be hatesex?

  9. Generosity is not merely a moral obligation, but is necessary to the success of any cooperative enterprise. However great our personal qualities, however tireless our labors, none of us can succeed without the willing assistance of others. And such assistance is hard to obtain unless people are recognized and rewarded for their help.

    Apparently they didn’t build that.

  10. Djur says:

    Why would anyone give money to Jeff Goldstein? He doesn’t produce anything, he doesn’t do any kerning or investigate anyone’s countertops. I can understand, if I was a crazy person, giving money to Michelle Malkin or Instapundit or whatever, but Protein Wisdom is just Goldstein and a few of his psychopath buddies writing surly, paranoid, hostile rants. Even if I agreed with him, I can’t see how you could like him.

    • Mr. Bollinger says:

      I’m sure that part of the guy’s appeal. He offers his few dozen followers an exclusive club that they and only they belong to, so that they can glance around at their spittle-flecked faces and say, guys, we’re the only ones who get it. They remind me of Bauhaus fans back in the eighties in that they would be crushed if anyone else in school started listening to Bauhaus, because it’s their little secret.

      I do find it hilarious whenever Goldstein bitches that his little blog has been “marginalized” or “ignored” by the right-wing establishment. You just want to shake him by the shoulders and wake him up. Your blog is a bare-bones affair. It looks like something a college kid would have for offhand rants, not something that a “serious” blogger would have after ten years of “work.”

      And lest we forget, the creepy bastard changed the words of a liberal professor who commented on his site to make it appear as if he was saying racist things. If nothing else serves as a quarantine barrier between Goldstein and larger fame, it’s that he changes the comments of his commenters to reflect his own vile views in order to attempt to smear them. As far as I know you can’t be a real mainstream blogger and do that. Even Michelle Malkin and Breitbart’s Ghost have some integrity.

      • cpinva says:

        “Even Michelle Malkin and Breitbart’s Ghost have some integrity.”

        no, no they don’t. lying is not, in the normal world, considered as having “integrity”.

      • spencer says:

        They remind me of Bauhaus fans back in the eighties in that they would be crushed if anyone else in school started listening to Bauhaus, because it’s their little secret.

        That was exactly why I started listening to Bauhaus back then – just to annoy those people.

    • Timb says:

      Worst part is that everyday since 2011, it’s the SAME surly rant juxtaposed around Darleen’s racist cartoons

      • Mr. Bollinger says:

        So true. He’s going to write the same rant about “semiotics” and “kernel assumptions” and “hermeneutics” until those darned libs stop changing the meaning of his precious words. His ability to write twisted, labyrinthine sentences of dubious construction does seem to keep his minions entertained. He’ll never stop.

    • herr doktor bimler says:

      Why would anyone give money to Jeff Goldstein?

      Those night-vision goggles won’t buy themselves.

    • libarbarian says:

      Before Goldstein’s kid went to school, his “I’m not an unemployed failed academic, I’m a stay-at-home dad” schtick was at least plausible.

      Now that his kid is like 10, it’s just a pathetic and failed cover for “I’m so selfish I would rather sit on my ass all day than and beg people for donations to buy me a gun than actually work to earn money to help send my kid to college”.

      The man is a professional failure with deep insecurity issues and a violence fetish. I’m sure this is going to end well.

      • Mr. Bollinger says:

        Yowch!

        I think the worst day of Goldstein’s life isn’t going to be if his wife leaves him for a guy with a paycheck. It won’t be when his kids are old enough to sass him and call him uncool. It’s not going to be when anyone dies. No, the worst day in this man’s life is going to be when he looks back at 15-20 years of angryand insane blog postings and realize that he could have used that time to do something worthwhile. He could have gone to engineering school. He could have written 3-4 books. He could have learned to play guitar or some other instrument. (Maybe even a mandolin.) Instead, he’ll be left with nothing to show for his most productive decades except for a few gigabites of whining and moaning. Oh, look, his many 2004 Swift Boat rants against Kerry? My, those have only gotten better with age.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Sadly for McCain, there just isn’t as much money in writing about how the 16th Street Baptist Church boming victims had it coming than he had hoped.

  12. catclub says:

    I thought this post was just another version of HenryV’s speech at Harfleur.

    Be nice or the kitten gets it.

  13. Thers says:

    A couple of years ago I saw one of RSMcC’s more abject posts about his real financial circumstances. I forget the particulars, but a lot of it was about how truly without money he was, and how he had been hard done by, and how he was not supported by His Comrades…

    I had a snarky post about it all set to go but ended up deleting it. I play an asshole on the Internet, but I do have actual limits.

    They all really believe in the Big Payday.

    To close the circle — they are all fascinating characters in the brilliant David Mamet play that David Mamet would write if David Mamet hadn’t become a David Mamet character.

    • N__B says:

      I’d have more sympathy if it were not for their deeply-held and often-stated belief that they are deserving while others in similar circumstances are mooching scum.

    • Timb says:

      I understand our reluctance, but, personally, unlike Union troops in the 1870′s, I want to finish the job of grinding neo-Confederates into the ground. Bad enough their grifters-as-political-movement route controls the Supreme Court and one house of Congress.

    • cpinva says:

      i know this is harsh (and likely a symbol of my libtardedness), but why don’t they just try and get an actual paying job, to support their blog hobby? surely, as smart as they are, some conservative “think tank” would be ready to welcome them with open arms, and a paycheck, no?

  14. John Cain says:

    I’ve been very happy in Aaron Worthing’s digging into your abuse bythe Donalde since you (rightly) came to his defense during the Brett Kimberlin fiasco.

    Oh wait…that didn’t happen.

    • SEK says:

      You do the right thing because it’s right, not because you expect anything in return. That’s not to say you can’t be disappointed, though.

    • Timb says:

      Worthing and Kimberlin….how any rational person takes a side in that con job was and is beyond me

  15. Anonymous says:

    I wouldn’t call Mission Hills part of the Inland Empire…

    • SEK says:

      Nice catch, but that’s not the commercial I’m talking about … which means there are two incredibly creepy commercials of this sort.

  16. herr doktor bimler says:

    Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

    You know who owns an Ajax Freezer? Fairies own Ajax Freezers! You know who owns a Triplecold Freezer? Commies own Triplecold Freezers!

  17. J. Otto Pohl says:

    The history department of the University of Ghana needs more computers, printers, a scanner, and a generator. I won’t threaten to kill any kittens, but nobody else is going to criticize Obama’s foreign policy towards Africa.

  18. ChrisTS says:

    Sweet Somebody: he actually is begging for money on the internet.

  19. [...] Remember that commercial I mentioned last week that some thought an outright fabrication, others an episode Too Cute seen through a zolpidem scrim ? It’s worse than I originally intimated: [...]

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